If you’re too young to have read David Reuben’s 1969 best-seller Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask and you haven’t got around to the Kama Sutrathen Shobhaa De’s latest book might be of interest. It’s called The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex & RomanceLast week she asked her publisher to send me a copy and I spent the next few days reading it.
I would describe it as a manual on how to make love and how not to, the different ways of attempting it and how to enhance your pleasure. Some chapters could be inappropriate for a family newspaper. But there’s a lot that’s just fun.
Not surprisingly, Shobhaa is rather concerned about how women are treated. “Women need to feel valued, respected and adored!” she writes. “Men take it for granted that the woman who has agreed to sleep with them, worships the ground they walk on and is doing so out of gratitude. She is expected to feel grateful for having been picked up over many rivals waiting to warm this man’s bed.”
I was struck by her description of what we in the north call sunny nightShe believes we make too much of it. “It’s over-romanticised and given far too much importance, when in reality, it’s often the terrified, ignorant bride who is sacrificed at the altar of ‘legit sex’ … the girl is like a trapped young animal, unable to escape, not permitted to scream in terror, often slapped and beaten till she is almost senseless.” So, do wives hate the first night? It’s not a question many men think of.
The book is full of wonderful tips. Consider this on coquetry. “Undressing is a fine art.” Shobhaa then explains how it should be done. “How and when to drop the pallu or dupatta can be mastered … the trick is to make it look like an accident … timing is everything. And the languorous movement of gently picking up the folds and replacing the errant pallu to its rightful place on the shoulder — now that, my dear, is a fine art.” I wonder how many in Gen Z attract their amours with such guile?
Shobhaa’s scathing about how people approach love-making. “Most couples fall into a monotonous pattern in which love-making is made to fit in between ‘more important’ domestic and social obligations. Love-making gets low priority when it should receive top billing.” Once again, it’s all about how you treat the woman in your arms. “Women of my age and temperament, admire subtlety and finesse. Experience and patience.”
Shobhaa has a whole chapter on kissing. “A kiss is one of the most underrated acts of love-making … we tend to disregard the aesthetics of a kiss … a satisfying kiss is a complete act of love-making in itself by itself, if done right.”
Much the same is true, it seems, of hand-holding. “Hand-holding is intensely intimate. There are myriad ways to hold hands. Words become redundant, when two people link fingers and walk confidently together, sure of the other’s feelings.” The only thing is very few men and women in India hold hands in public.
Shobhaa makes an interesting connection between gastronomic and carnal tastes. “Food and sex are intimately linked. Both involve heightened pleasure and deep hunger … an indifferent eater will be a lousy lover … a person who doesn’t look at what’s going into the mouth cannot be trusted in bed!” Let me now reveal a secret. I adore my food and eat as much with my eyes as I do with my palate!
Now Shobhaa’s canvas is wide and these essays cover a range of sexual acts from kinky to group sex, from faking orgasms to vaginal beauty aids. Each is written in Shobhaa’s matchless and unmistakable style. Short sentences, blunt phrases, tantalizing questions and neat conclusions.
Even if you think you know it all, there’s a lot you’ll discover that’ll be new and surprising. Happy reading!
Karan Thapar is the author of Devil’s Advocate: The Untold Story. The views expressed are personal
